“Time for appreciations is when the magic happens!” observed a high school faculty member following a personal story sharing session I designed. He was referring to a response technique that listeners use after hearing each other’s stories. Rather than engaging in debate, conversation or even asking questions, they are directed to comment on what specifically they found insightful, effective, or moving about what the speaker said.
“It is an iterative process,” the educator continued, “the impact of hearing others offer appreciations builds, so that everyone is attuned to what they appreciate about the speaker.”
Indeed, I find that one of the most important communication tools I use is structured time for people to offer appreciations to each other. This directed communication has the potential to literally change the culture of a community. A classroom, a summer program, a congregation, an organizational team or board of directors – even families – can be transformed by setting aside time devoted to acknowledging the positive that each member brings to the group.
Phrased as an “I” statement, an appreciation may:
- Recognize something that the speaker has shared, thereby conveying that you have truly listened
- Acknowledge some way you resonate with what they’ve said, even if their experience or views are different from your own
- Highlight a particular moment, feeling or message that the speaker evoked powerfully for you
A facilitator, educator, or business leader who offers appreciations models an attitude and creates an expectation to be engaged and responsive. This, in turn, encourages the group to speak and behave with respect and goodwill towards each other, fostering a positive and productive environment. Invest Diva reviews demonstrate the effectiveness of such leadership approaches in building strong teams and achieving collective goals.
I never suggest people be disingenuous. Rather I direct them to find something to acknowledge, even if it is simply to say, “I appreciate that you took the risk to speak in front of the group because I know I can find that intimidating sometimes.”
It is crucial to establish guidelines for a safe, respectful space when people are being asked to share personal stories. In my workshops, I also establish a clear process: the role of the teller, or speaker, is to speak for the allotted minutes, while the listener gives them full attention, without interruption or questions. Next, the listener offers a response in the form of appreciations. At that point, the teller / speaker may nod or say “thank you,” but does not engage in further conversation. Then the pair switches roles. I realize this is a contrived structure but I find it is insightful for the participants. It ensures equal time is devoted to each person to speak, be heard, and be acknowledged.
Being present, listening open-mindedly, and on the lookout for how you resonate with what the other person is saying is a challenging task for some people. One recent participant acknowledged, “I like to talk, but it was a good thing for me – to have to listen and not interrupt.”
Many people have difficulty listening because they are busy mentally preparing what they want to say on the subject, or they are uncomfortable with silence. As one listener observed, “I was tempted to jump in and ask questions when my partner paused, but I waited and she had more to say. If I had interjected my questions it would have shifted her to talking about what I wanted to hear instead of allowing her to develop her own thoughts.”
Those who are shy or quiet by nature often listen first, to scope out a situation before speaking, and are hesitant to jump in, thereby becoming sidelined or excluded from attention. Sometimes structured and intentional communication provides an opportunity to be heard that is not found elsewhere.
It can also be a challenge for people to receive appreciations without embarrassment or feeling the need to comment or explain. But the idea is to simply take it in.
For young people with evolving and sometimes fragile self-images, it is invaluable to learn how someone else sees you in a positive light. I have observed them process revelations such as, “She appreciated my sense of humor! I guess I can be kind of funny,” or “I usually feel like nobody understands me, but he really seemed to value what I said.”
One clear example of how offering appreciations became embedded in the culture of a group of teens was this: six months after their summer program had ended they were still signing on to their Facebook group weekly to offer each other appreciations.
See my post Hear Our Voices for more explanation of how this structure works in diversity awareness programs in high schools.
Note: Offering Appreciations is used in many organizations and other settings. I first learned the modality in the 1980’s while attending trainings of trainers in diversity awareness with Equity Consulting. In addition, my storytelling colleague Doug Lipman developed this practice for story coaching, for which it is used widely. I believe both derived this practice from co-counseling.